bump to baby...

I've been working on this post for days now as part of my healing process. It is authentic. It is me. And I want to really share how its going for me adjusting to my new life. So here we go...

What I expected these first few weeks...

I knew that I would be sleep deprived

I knew I would walk around with puke on my clothes

I knew I'd be pooped on while changing diapers

Showers would be few and far between

I would have to let household chores slide

I wouldn't have much time to think about what I'm eating

I would look at my baby and smile uncontrollably

I would be a different person (not in a bad way)

People would be more excited to see the baby than me (well...duh!)

What I didn't know... 

What "sleep deprived" actually felt like

How leaky my boobs would be ALL THE TIME

How sore every part of my body would be after delivery
I would get mastitis twice... what the hell is mastitis?!

My grey hair would reappear so quickly (perk of pregnancy)

Breastfeeding would be so challenging and demanding (#understatement)

I would (out of necessity) need to go sugar, dairy, and gluten free three weeks postpartum to combat the war going on in my body from being on antibiotics for three weeks... going on four

I wouldn't want to be around people (I love people!)

I would feel like the old me had "died"

It would be possible to have PTSD from my labor and delivery (once you lay eyes on your baby your brain erases all the pain and suffering right?!)
I would feel trapped in my own home

I would battle feelings of sadness, guilt, fear, anxiety (I could go on)

I never thought I would revert to my old ways of dealing with difficult times (which was to blame it all on everything and everyone but me.) The "new me" would accept responsibility for everything in my life and understand that it is not happening to me... it is just happening. However, "post baby me" feels sorry for herself, cries everyday, and is constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

No one ever prepared me for this. No one warned me of some of this stuff. If they did I didn't listen. If the blogs and the baby sites had it posted, I missed it. Everyone kept asking me if I was ready and excited while I was pregnant and my answer was always the same, "hell yeah, I'm ready!" I said it enough... I believed it. Reality smacked me in the face a few weeks ago.

It is important for me to stress having a baby really has been the coolest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't change ANYTHING. I cannot imagine my life without her. I still can't believe we made that! And I could write an entire blog dedicated to my husband (and I may just yet!) He has been my rock and hasn't judged me once for any of my feelings postpartum.

I started writing this five days ago and I can say things are getting better. I'm more in control of my emotions. I'm falling more in love with my baby everyday. I'm slowly letting go of resentment, guilt, anger. I'm starting to believe that I can do this. Of course I can. A million other women have done it. There will be tough days ahead and I accept that. Its all easier said than done and I'm being patient with myself during this process.

For all of my pregnant friends and followers... don't be scared! Just be aware that you may will experience feelings that you were not prepared for. You won't feel the way I do. You won't have the same experience as I had. Yours will be unique and different and messy and beautiful.

Sometimes you have to share the not so good stuff, the stuff people don't like talking about. The process helps you to open your eyes to all the really good stuff that is going on. Thank you for allowing me to be real and to share with you what I'm going though.