mommy's time out...

I was 37 weeks pregnant. It was a Saturday. It was sunny and the temperature was cool. I left a rockin' day at work and put down every window in my car. I cranked up my stereo and started blasting Red Hot Chili Peppers, my favorite. I wore a huge smile and had to keep sweeping my windblown hair out of my face as I cruised down the freeway in my Jeep.

It was one of those perfect moments. You know those? The moments you just stop and wish for a Zach Morris style time out. I live for those...

The first few weeks after you have a baby you realize your life will never be the same. You're tired and not thinking straight. I thought back to that perfect moment on that perfect Saturday afternoon a few weeks before and got sad thinking that I may not have one of those again for a while.

I was right. I wasn't going to be jamming out in the car with the windows down, at least not with a baby in the back seat! And yeah, things are not about me anymore, not right now anyway. But why did I think I wasn't entitled to quiet moments alone from time to time?

On Christmas eve, for no particualr reason, I was feeling incredibly overwhelmed. Nursing, pumping, cleaning pump accessories, doing baby laundry, family gatherings one after another, and everyone wanting to hold my baby. I was cracking...I convinced myself I was alone with no help and that no one cared about me. This was completely untrue but no one was going to convince me otherwise. My post partum hormones had completely taken over.

My husband saw me on my downward spiral and quickly instructed me to lock myself in our room, throw on headphones, and listen to a meditation or music to relax. I did what he said. I was in a time out. I put on RHCP and just started sobbing. I couldn't control my emotions. I was feeling guilt for needing time away from my baby. I was feeling sorry for myself because I believed I would never have alone time again. These feelings were completely normal but again I wasn't going to be convinced of it. I listened and wept for solid ten minutes and then...I felt better. A weight had been lifted. All I needed was a good cry?

Now that I am more aware of my needs as a new mother, I've been able to find those perfect moments in every day. When you feel sorry for yourself, everything tends to feel heavy and dark. It is so easy to get wrapped up in it but if you can be aware of when it starts you can prevent yourself from a stage five breakdown like the one I had on Christmas Eve. I believe in the law of attraction so what you put out is what you're going to get right back. Easier said than done but the more you practice the better you become at it.

You don't have to have a baby to benefit from a time out. In my opinion, time outs should be mandatory for all adults. They can prevent us from completely going off the deep end. So take your well deserved time out when you feel like this...

Side note: Depression is real and if you think you are suffering from it, seek help, don't go at it alone.

 

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beets and cookies...

where I am...

I have a plate of cold beets and cookies sitting in front of me. The only way for me to get in my vegetables these days seems to be by alternating bites of... yes... cookies. Don't judge.

how I got here...

I didn't sleep well last night. Probably the worst sleep I've had during this pregnancy. My jawbone band reads 2h 17mins of sleep. That sounds about right.

I decided around 9am that falling asleep wasn't going to happen. I might as well get up and start my day. Maybe I'll do something nice for myself? Make a little morning of it! I really wanted fresh juice but didn't feel like making it today so I figured I'd go to the park for a walk then head to Whole Foods for some veggie juice. Did I mention I hate vegetables now? Juicing is the only way I can ensure this baby is getting more than just ice cream and cookies to eat.

when sh*t hit the fan...

I get to Whole Foods and pick up some fresh fruit, veggies, and cookies. Cookies from Whole Foods are healthier right? I'm waiting in line at the juice bar behind a coupe of folks and when it gets to be my turn the employee puts a sign up in front of me that says juicer needs a 15 min break, then says "but it'll be more like 30 minutes." 

Tears instantly well in my eyes. Screw the juicer, MAN! I need my juice! My baby needs this juice! I try and calm my inner chatter for a moment and choke back the tears long enough to say, "Okay... could I just have a decaf coffee then?" She hands me a cup... I go to press the pump on the carafe and its... EMPTY. Without any thought, I slam the cup down and yell, "I GIVE UP."  I could see that the girl felt bad but I didn't care one bit. I walked away. I thought about leaving my cart but I needed the cookies now more than ever.

The dude at the checkout asked me if I found everything alright and I snapped back at him with a "NO." He wasn't expecting that. We didn't exchange another word. 

The moment I got into my car I broke down into a stage five ugly cry. I called my husband and started going on and on about how tired I am, how hard being pregnant is, how I am a bad mom because I don't eat vegetables, and how I need help with the household chores. I mean... I was out of my mind. Nothing made sense.

I just had my first real episode of what I'm going to call the preggo crazies. 

beets and cookies

So here I am reflecting on my morning. The first thing I had to get over was the fact that I said "I give up." I, Samantha Ann Halkias Bivenour, do not ever give up. Maybe I gave in a little today. Maybe that's the lesson I've learned. It's okay to give in. 

I understand I can't always control what happens to me but I do know I can control my reactions to what happens. But perhaps I need to go a little easier on myself now that I am with child. My hormones are completely different. It's okay to dip a little below the line. I just need to keep asking for help and support when I go there. To my partner Brett, thank you for talking me down off the ledge today.

Like most women, I want to have a healthy pregnancy, for me and the little muppet. I've been exercising 5-6 days a week and making an effort to eat healthy, without feeling guiltily about indulging here and there. And then I lost my mind over a veggie juice today... I think I need to lighten up.

It's OK to give in. It's OK to cry. It's OK to go a little crazy. And more importantly it's OK to eat cookies with my beets.

Up next...

figure out how to make cookies from beets.

UPDATE: I made them... they are DELICIOUS! Click here  for the recipe for these vegan bad boys!