bump to baby...

I've been working on this post for days now as part of my healing process. It is authentic. It is me. And I want to really share how its going for me adjusting to my new life. So here we go...

What I expected these first few weeks...

I knew that I would be sleep deprived

I knew I would walk around with puke on my clothes

I knew I'd be pooped on while changing diapers

Showers would be few and far between

I would have to let household chores slide

I wouldn't have much time to think about what I'm eating

I would look at my baby and smile uncontrollably

I would be a different person (not in a bad way)

People would be more excited to see the baby than me (well...duh!)

What I didn't know... 

What "sleep deprived" actually felt like

How leaky my boobs would be ALL THE TIME

How sore every part of my body would be after delivery
I would get mastitis twice... what the hell is mastitis?!

My grey hair would reappear so quickly (perk of pregnancy)

Breastfeeding would be so challenging and demanding (#understatement)

I would (out of necessity) need to go sugar, dairy, and gluten free three weeks postpartum to combat the war going on in my body from being on antibiotics for three weeks... going on four

I wouldn't want to be around people (I love people!)

I would feel like the old me had "died"

It would be possible to have PTSD from my labor and delivery (once you lay eyes on your baby your brain erases all the pain and suffering right?!)
I would feel trapped in my own home

I would battle feelings of sadness, guilt, fear, anxiety (I could go on)

I never thought I would revert to my old ways of dealing with difficult times (which was to blame it all on everything and everyone but me.) The "new me" would accept responsibility for everything in my life and understand that it is not happening to me... it is just happening. However, "post baby me" feels sorry for herself, cries everyday, and is constantly waiting for the next bad thing to happen.

No one ever prepared me for this. No one warned me of some of this stuff. If they did I didn't listen. If the blogs and the baby sites had it posted, I missed it. Everyone kept asking me if I was ready and excited while I was pregnant and my answer was always the same, "hell yeah, I'm ready!" I said it enough... I believed it. Reality smacked me in the face a few weeks ago.

It is important for me to stress having a baby really has been the coolest thing I've ever done. I wouldn't change ANYTHING. I cannot imagine my life without her. I still can't believe we made that! And I could write an entire blog dedicated to my husband (and I may just yet!) He has been my rock and hasn't judged me once for any of my feelings postpartum.

I started writing this five days ago and I can say things are getting better. I'm more in control of my emotions. I'm falling more in love with my baby everyday. I'm slowly letting go of resentment, guilt, anger. I'm starting to believe that I can do this. Of course I can. A million other women have done it. There will be tough days ahead and I accept that. Its all easier said than done and I'm being patient with myself during this process.

For all of my pregnant friends and followers... don't be scared! Just be aware that you may will experience feelings that you were not prepared for. You won't feel the way I do. You won't have the same experience as I had. Yours will be unique and different and messy and beautiful.

Sometimes you have to share the not so good stuff, the stuff people don't like talking about. The process helps you to open your eyes to all the really good stuff that is going on. Thank you for allowing me to be real and to share with you what I'm going though.

the greatest finish line ever...

When I wrote my last blog post I had just been in the hospital for monitoring after a little fender bender we were in the day before. I genuinely thought I would be discharged from the hospital that afternoon and we would meet baby in a week or so. I had it all wrong.

During the 24 hour monitoring period baby had a little dip in her heart rate sizable enough for my doctor to advise that we induce labor that night. There were a few other things working against us and we we're almost 39 weeks so it was safe for baby to arrive. However, this was not my ideal birth plan. Medical induction was probably one of the things I was trying most to avoid. So I breakdown in tears...

Once I stopped crying, my husband and I stood in shock when we realized we were not leaving the hospital without a baby. That was exciting! I forgot for a moment that my "plan" wasn't going to go the way I had imagined. OK, this is real. (Because no matter how many times you thought it was real before it wasn't.)

(after we got the news we wouldn't leave the hospital without a baby)

So I had a choice... I could keep crying or I could GO FOR IT and give it all I had. I will spare the majority of details of our 6 night hospital stay but it was 54 hours from start of induction to the time our baby arrived. It was filled with ups and downs. We heard good news and bad news. We had moments when we felt like we didn't know what was going on. 

(proof that the Universe was looking out for us)

I had a moment near the end where I wasn't sure I'd live to meet my baby... after 54 hours I was too physically and mentally exhausted to fight that nasty thought. When it was over I barely knew where I was or what had happened. Looking at my little girl made it all worth it. I have never done anything as challenging as what I did that week. I had to completely throw away all of my plans and adapt to what was needed in the moment. I had to give in to what was in the best interest of baby and myself. The reward was epic. 

It was a true marathon... the greatest marathon finish line I'll ever cross.